Amber

"Amber" is a site host for the Straight Women's Erotica pages of The Mining Co

How Do I Feel About Sex?
Dateline: 10/01/97
It's time for me to come clean.

In most of my features, I treat sex fairly lightly. I write explicit things, sometimes objectify men, and in general, try to focus on the more entertaining aspects of sexual activity and erotica. I don't mention possible unwanted pregnancy, STD's, religious conflicts, sex crimes, or other negative aspects of sex/erotica/pornography. One of my main goals in creating this site is to present a positive and healthy attitude regarding these topics, and I leave the heavy stuff out.

But how do I really feel about sex? On one hand, it is one of the most pleasurable activities I participate in, whether alone or with my partner. It is tremendously relaxing, it feels fantastic, and it leads to further intimacy and closeness in my relationship. It wasn't always like this for me, however, and some courses of action I took in the past continue to haunt my future as I try to come to terms with my own sexual history. For me, this process has been an uphill battle.

There are two things I regret in my life. The first is of no relation to this topic, so I won't mention it here. The second is the sexual relationships I've chosen to have. With very few exceptions, if I had it all to do over again, I would cross most of the names off the list. Oh, I can tell myself I was experimenting, that I was exploring my sexuality, or that I was expressing my sexuality freely and without guilt. But I know in my heart that this isn't true. I used sex to gain acceptance from men, and to boost my self-esteem. Afterall, if a man wanted to sleep with me, didn't that mean I was attractive? Didn't that mean I had value?

I learned the hard way that sex and self-esteem often have nothing to do with one another, and are even at times mortal enemies. I found out that having sex with a number of different men didn't make me feel better about myself. Quite the contrary. It made me feel that I was compromising my values, and that I was allowing myself to be taken advantage of. Despite this knowledge, it was difficult for me to be honest with myself about what I was doing. Instead of making positive changes in my life, I continued disrespecting myself and allowing myself to be disrespected by others because it seemed easier than facing the truth.

When the numbers are counted, I know of many women who have more notches on their bedposts than I. While promiscuity may have its dangers, the true issue here is one's own self image, not the names in one's little black book. I've had several long-term, monogamous relationships in the past ten years, and the majority of them were as self-esteem depleting as a lifetime of one-night-stands. Furthermore, the fact that I've finally found a healthy relationship is not due to my maturity and growth in this area. It is due to luck, plain and simple. I may understand more about myself these days, but I'm still not sure I've learned the tools to stand up for myself and say "NO MORE!"

My point in writing this "serious" feature is not to change the focus of my site. I merely wanted to address an issue that has been a problem for me in my life. Judging from the conversations I've had with numerous friends, I know I'm not the only woman in the world who struggles with this subject. I suppose my only advice is, "above all else, to thine own self be true." Oh yeah, and "don't believe the hype!"

For those of you who read my site and think, "Wow, she sure is comfortable with her sexuality," think again. This site is my way of working through my demons and coming to some resolution on this complex issue. I hope that in some way it helps other women to do this also.

"Amber” was host at The Mining Co site ‘Straight Womens Erotica’ found at:

Original: August ‘99
This page is part of “Living in the Light”
found at: http://www.tassie.net.au/~phoban/

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