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I was challenged by an aquaintance who suggested that many older men seem to feel that a woman's place is barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen (BPIK). This page is based on a letter I wrote in response.
That is a notion associated with the worst of male-dominant patriarchal attitudes. It is a notion in which the essential qualities of poverty (cannot afford shoes) and servile functionality predominate – she is seen as a breeding cow, a chattel or a piece of property.
Such unreconstructed chauvinism might perhaps be merely funny if it were less common. Growing past those attitudes is a function of maturity and development of the individual responsibility we each must have for ourselves.
I am an apologist for Erotic Power Exchange (EPE). Closely related to BDSM, this is a suite of practices in which it is common for a woman to adopt a servile relationship to her dominant partner and which an uninformed observer might confuse for the patriarchal relationship disparaged above.
The difference however is profound; it is found in the motivation of the parties.
The BPIK woman is a victim. She probably sees herself as a victim of her circumstances, or of oppression by the male chauvinist patriarchy. She is very unlikely to see herself as responsible for her own actions but rather as a puppet manipulated by the holders of power (always others). In the circumstances that she realises she is responsible for herself she escapes her servile situation at the first opportunity. If she fails to take that responsibility she remains a victim – commonly finding solace in patriarchal religious rationalisations – and probably teaches her daughters to accept the same fate.
The BPIK man is also a victim but his disadvantage is subtle and is perhaps denied in a strictly patriarchal system of values. He suffers from the cost of maintaining a wife without any more benefits than those which he demands. She is as much his competitor as his partner and while he may feel there are some benefits he does not enjoy the synergy of partners working to enhance each other's lives. Biologists suggest that BPIK is an effective mate-guarding strategy by which the male protects himself against cuckoldry and that may be the only real benefit.
The EPE submissive (commonly but not necessarily the female) is responsible for herself. She has the choice of living independently but chooses not just to share, but to do so in an EPE relationship. The essential quality of informed consent makes every act of submission a voluntary one. While BDSM play is usually a part of EPE relationships, the submissive may feel that bondage is an insult, it is her determination to offer her submission that keeps her exposed to his ministrations. What he wants (which may well be barefoot – or completely naked – and submissive to his whim) is the object of her service, because that submission brings intense psychological and sexual rewards.
The sexual rewards are found in the interplay of stimulus and erotic suspense. Some people appear not to understand this and it is not apparent that any explanation in this regard is helpful: it is like faith – for those who understand no explanation is necessary; for those who do not understand no explanation is sufficient. It is necessary to be able to permit ourselves this experience in order to understand it.
The psychological rewards are subtle, including experiences of her self, and transformations of perception, which she would not otherwise be able to achieve. These rewards vary widely between individuals depending on prior development, but commonly are expressed in religious language. Many discover and explore their psychological self as differentiated from the physical self, and ecstatic experiences are almost universal. These rewards do not come easily: they require knowledge of and sensitivity for each other, and profound trust that develops only with enough time together.
The EPE dominant to a large extent is a coach or director, and while responsible for what happens he cannot make it happen; his experience depends entirely on her. The EPE trip is the submissive's and the role of the dominant is to facilitate the experience and to watch in awe when that is successful. In this theatre the dominant is a supporting part.
This theatre is full of paradox: honour springs from roots of humilation; sublime bliss from physical pain and deprivation; freedom is found in submission and service; serenity is found in the exercise of naked power; and self acceptance derives from self abandonment. It is OK not to understand a paradox.
EPE employs the sanctified body in a spiritual experience. It is a finding of our self within ourselves, as we are, unconstrained by expectation or the need to make an impression, using the resources of the participants and indepent of any external authority.
EPE is ultimately an exercise in personal honesty. She may appear to be subjugated (perhaps even barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen) but his objective is her liberation (from her own fears and expectations) not her oppression.
It is humiliating to feel weak, insecure and dependent on others and we use a great variety of defence mechanisms to protect ourselves from this and to hide it when it occurs. We do this so effectively that often we deceive ourselves and remain entirely unaware of it. EPE is deliberately allowing those defence mechanisms to be challenged and enables us to see ourselves more truly than we would otherwise do.
Is this being a victim? I think the opposite. It can be learning a sense of our self which is more true than the structure of shadowy fears and self-deception most people suffer from.
I can express it no better than Vernon Howard:
What prevents us from being aware? Our own resistances. We are afraid that if we let go of our present beliefs - as useless as they are - that the unknown might be worse. But we must dare. And then we find that the very thing we feared was our very liberty!
Psycho-Pictography, p. 30
Regards, Peter
Original: October ‘99
This page is part of “Living in the Light”
found at: http://www.tassie.net.au/~phoban/
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