The Love of Parents for Children

When a mature woman decides to conceive and carry a child and thus to bring into the world another person, the child is not consulted and his views are not taken to account. Of course ... he has none as he does not exist. Thus the choice of parents is not ours. They choose, and as children we inherit accordingly, but everyone does not inherit equally.

The decision to procreate is essentially a selfish one. I know, I have done it. It is not done for some altruistic motive, say on behalf of the child – how could that be? Perhaps the child will turn out to be a malefactor or social deliquent; the altruistic motive then surely would be to abstain. How can I know that good will come from my creation of this child? I can hope and even expect but I cannot know. I do it, not because I hope that the child will be a benefit to others – I do it because I expect the child to benefit me.

What sort of benefit? Research in this area is poor. Certainly there are many countries of the world where children are valued because they bring economic advantages – they earn, and it is cheaper per person to feed and house a large family than a smaller number: there are economies of scale. Secondly children are a form of insurance: parents will grow old and the social bonds formed within families cause children to care for their parents in their frailty.

There is also a subtle genetic motive – people adopting often mention the importance of continuing the family name. As a four year old, our son heard of the death of a neighbour in a motor vehicle accident – "At least he had had his children" observed the little one – I do not believe that was something he learned from us: he was genetically programmed to think this. Richard Dawkins in his book "The Selfish Gene" provides a most enlightening discussion of the process by which our genes may be expected to motivate us to ensure that they are propogated in our children.

Another motive of relationship also probably exists. Whether this is meaningfully discriminated from the genetic motive is perhaps moot, but certainly there is intrinsic pleasure in the love and regard found in close relationships which is more intense as the relationship becomes closer. The relationship we have to our children is as close as we can get.

Each of these motives (and probably others I cannot recognise) work to encourage us to expect to be rewarded for producing children. May I say too from my own experience it is richly rewarding. If still in doubt about this, reflect a moment on the grief of the mother of a still-born child, or the greater distress of the parent of a deceased teenager. The sense of loss is palpable – the grief is not for the community's loss, nor for the child's loss, the loss is the parents'.

Too often one hears views expressed by a parent toward a child with clear overtones that the child owes some debt to the parent. Many parents who chose a private school will speak of the great sacrifices made to ensure that their child receives the best education. There is often a sentiment that the child should be extremely grateful to have had such self sacrificing parents, and that this gratefulness should be made evident.

There is no basis for this expectation. The child owes its parents only obedience and loyalty, and these must be won – earned by the parents’ demonstrated concern for the welfare of their child. A child who is loved and valued will respond to these sentiments with honour and care.

A child is not owned – it is a trust which the parent has sought. That trust is for a dozen or so years, then it reverts. In that time the parent is required to provide the child with the means to live successfully in the world as an independent person.

An emerging adult who has been well equipped to live in the world is easily able to see whether his parents were worthy of the trust which they took on. Worthy people will always have our honour and respect – call that love if you like – it feels just great. Just remember that as parents we must earn it – it is not otherwise due.

Those who consider their emerging children owe them something should not take on the trust – they are not worthy of it.

Peter Hoban

Original: July ‘99
This page is part of “Living in the Light”
found at: http://www.tassie.net.au/~phoban/

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