Infidelity

The book Henry & June (the journal of Anaïs Nin in the period of her affairs with Henry and June Miller) is a tale of liberation. It tells of the flowering of her wild love for Henry – while she repeatedly observes that this cannot last; and it tells of her simultaneous deeper affection for her husband Hugo which she recognises is more important to her in spite of his sexual skills (or lack of them). Several times she reaffirms that she could not leave Hugo for Henry and even notes that she would not marry Henry even if Hugo died.

After her affair with Henry had been going for more than 4 months she writes:

Hugo has the most beautiful nature in the world, and I love him, but I also love other men. He lies a yard away from me as I write this and I feel innocent. ... he lives in complete security about me. ... Is he more innocent than I am? Or does one trust when one's self is so integral?

We can only speculate as to Hugo's sexual activities, but there is no doubt that his security and confidence in his relationship with Anaïs reflected a self image which was not threatened by her other activities. We might simply say that he was not jealous – but I believe it is important to understand why, and Anaïs suggests it in the quote above. The internal integrity of his own sense of self was Hugo's security. He consciously chose Anaïs for his partner for reasons which were not changed or upset when she had her other relationships, and his sense of his own worth was not eroded by her activities. Each remained the same person and was loved and respected for the same reasons.

Many men in our society would expect constancy of their wives notwithstanding their own philandering. Hugo was unlikely to be so naïve as to think that Anaïs’ dealings with Henry were only platonic, but his actions were appropriate to those of a man who applied the same standards to himself as he expected of her, and that is consistent with her description of his character. This is apparently a marriage of equals.

Anaïs’ statement that she feels ‘innocent’ should be understood to mean free from guilt rather than a denial of her involvement. She clearly feels at liberty to do this and, while she takes some care to ensure that her affair with Henry does not intrude on her domestic relationship, it is apparent too that she does not feel it a threat to her marriage (in contrast to the reviewer on the back cover who states that the marriage was undermined).

Was Anaïs unfaithful? She remained loyal to Hugo until her death 45 years later. Whether she was faithful or not depends on his expectations of her – did she keep good faith with him? It is a particularly interesting question as she uses the words ‘infidelity to Henry’ (who was jealous and wanted her exclusively) to describe her freedom to want other men.

Kathleen Kelleher writes of infidelity:

There is heavy petting, and there is heavy emoting. Both constitute infidelity to a marriage or primary relationship. Psychologists call an affair without any physical touching extramarital emotional involvement, emotional infidelity or an emotional affair. In emotional affairs, deep, personal intimacies are traded, instead of fantasies of the flesh."

That article suggests that non-sexual realtionships are unfaithful where they involve the ongoing exchange of confidences or intimacies which ought to be but are not shared with your primary partner. The criterion of breach is diversion to the affair of relationship energy and resources which rightly belong to the primary partnership. That's cheating.

Some people enter what they describe as open marriages, in which there is some expectation that the parties will have sexual relationships outside their mutual coupling. However it is less common that these marriages are free from jealousy as one or another feels that their primacy is threatened. It requires great confidence in oneself not to experience such jealousy where you have something to lose. If there is nothing to lose there is no marriage.

If you and your partner both feel the other is free to ‘sleep around’ it is no breach of faith to do so. On the other hand the development of competing relationships (sexual or not) when your partner expects you will not is a clear breach.

A husband on a long business trip may use the services of an escort. His wife may consent, not wishing it, but because it appears the lesser of the available evils. Her consent comes because she feels powerless to resist – does he keep good faith? I think not. Similarly the woman who flirts when she knows it will make her husband jealous. In each case the limited trust of the insecure spouse is eroded by the action and the primary relationship is weakened.

Where the parties are not equal, the freedom of the stronger is limited by the weakness of the weaker. If your partner has personal insecurities, then any threatening action or competing relationship is a breach of faith, regardless of the nominal consent you may like to think you have.

It is important to recognise too that we live in the present. An infidelity weakens your relationship, but need not prevent it from growing strong again. Our mistakes should not be denied and might not be quickly forgotten, but they can be forgiven.

The partner with whom you have the best chance of forming a strong relationship is the one you know best. Confronting your mistakes honestly, not denying your weaknesses or blaming the other but simply choosing to do better together is the only way ahead. This does not require the past to be erased, only that we live wholly and honestly in the present.

The freedom to fully express ourselves is found only in a relationship of equals, and that can fully flower only to the extent that our identities are internally validated from within ourselves and are not dependent on the approval or honour of others. Anaïs Nin describes this as ‘sincerity to oneself’.

Regrettably, oneself is the person we most easily deceive.

Peter Hoban

Original: July 2000
Revised: January 30, 2002

this page is part of “Living in the Light”
found at: http://www.tassie.net.au/~phoban/

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