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Wayne Allen has written his guidelines for formation of long term relationships in "The List of 50” in which he advocates making a list of those characteristics which we value in the selection of a long term relationship partner.
I found this to be an interesting idea, but I doubt if many of those in such relationships had made such a list whether our partners would have qualified. Each real person brings such a diverse spectrum of qualities to a relationship and it is always the case that only later do we realise how important some of them are to us.
When I consider my own marriage I can see that the things that were important to me 27 years ago are different from the things which are important today, but it is the same relationship. Age has a lot to do with that; I am no longer as much interested in children or fertility but I can see I once was, and probably a good deal more so than I would have admitted at the time.
I don't believe that a list made at a conscious level is likely to cover these subconscious bases at all adequately.
Rinatta Paries has published her 10 most important suggestions for people seeking to establish a long term relationship. While she considers having a clear idea of what you want is important, it is only one of 10 suggestions – I agree with her.
I think that it is much more important to be too busy living to be looking for loving – and that is only then we find it. People who are focussed on finding a soulmate are likely to be 'needy' and as a potential lover or mate I find such a characteristic very undesirable. Needy folk are narcissistic and unlikely to offer me a healthy partnership. So, while I am 'needy' I am unsuitable for anyone who is suitable for me.
Abundant lovers are not looking to be pleased by someone else, they are looking to have good relationships with whoever is at hand on whatever terms those relationships may be established. Abundant lovers are unfazed that Helen is desperately hung-up, they relate to Helen on terms that enable Helen to relate back – what matters is not whether Helen matches any or none of my conscious criteria but what sort of a person I am when dealing with her.
In my relating to Helen I am observed by Pauline who may be totally smitten by what she sees. Later I may discover in Pauline important things I didn't know and go on to have a long and satisfying intimate relationship with her, but it was my attitude to Helen which made it happen. My relationship with Helen is critical in enabling my relationship with Pauline to be established.
What matters in this context is not what I am looking for but how I behave when I am not looking.
If we are needy and seeking to find a match to our conscious criteria there is some risk that the only people we might be appealing to are other needy (and narcissistic) people who like us have been unable to find what they wanted – being focussed on their (our) own needs and overlooking the opportunities we have to relate. In these circumstances we are likely to imagine characteristics which are not present and to disregard some which are present in order to convince ourselves that the person at hand is a good match. Such behaviour is a denial of the list of conscious criteria but may be a consequence of it.
There has been some interesting research on the place of smell in our selection of a mate. Women are able to select preferred body odour on fragments of t-shirts previously worn for two days by a man using no deodorants and identified only by number. While different women prefer different wearers they prefer the same wearer consistently. Pheromones are not just a sex-industry fraud (though there's obviously plenty of that).
One interesting suggestion I heard is that children inherit codes from the immune systems of their parents and that if the parents have complementary immune systems the children have stronger immunity. There is some common sense in this. If we were able to identify important characteristics of our mate's immunity from their smell then this is expected to be a strong natural selector – the genes which encourage this will be more likely to survive because their progeny will have better immunity.
It is very likely that there are other important genetic, hormonal and subconscious factors which go into determining who we choose for a mate. None of these factors will appear on the list of conscious criteria. That doesn't matter – the list has the same value in that it is still a good idea to have thought about the sort of partner we would like.
What is important in this context is that we don't devalue the many important considerations which are not, and cannot be, on a list of conscious criteria.
A corollary of that is the importance that a person who finds themselves driven by some of those other considerations does not feel a failure for not being as rational as your list of conscious criteria model suggests we should be. Whatever the desirability of sensibly choosing a mate I believe that we are grossly unable to consciously span the issues and that the outcome is largely determined by considerations beyond our understanding. Nobody should finish up feeling bad or silly for being human.
Finally, if we choose a spouse and have a relationship with that person for some time and then the relationship collapses, does that make it a failure? I suggest often not. While we might prefer the idea of a longer term, our relationships end usually because the parties do not have the psychological maturity to make them survive – in the terms of transaction analysis we are unable to be relate as two adults. It may be no identifiable characteristic of our partner that bring us undone – but rather ourselves, choosing from a position of need.
If the collapse of our relationship forces us to address the realities of our circumstances more sensibly than we previously did then that collapse can be a real benefit to us and can help us to learn to do better next time. If we are insufficiently developed to learn from it we will simply repeat the experience. This does not make divorce a good thing, but simply recognises it as an inevitable consequence for a poorly developed person.
A list of conscious criteria cannot enable anybody to avoid this consequence. We do not become mature simply by listing our preferences. It is not an all-purpose tool.
A suitable partner is not simply a person who meets our expectations. It is a person with whom we may interact in an effective and beneficial way and who will continue to do so through life's anguish and ecstasy, through successes and crippling failures. A suitable partner is one who will offset our emotional and genetic weaknesses and limitations, and who will help us to be what we may otherwise fail to achieve. These qualities are not readily understood at a conscious level.
Peter Hoban
Original: January ‘03
This page is part of “Living in the Light”
found at: http://www.tassie.net.au/~phoban/
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